The crush that was
- Mary Wamae
- Aug 22, 2020
- 7 min read
I was going through my old files from my projects in the process of creating my portfolio and stumbled upon my 2018 diary. Reading the below entry made me re-live a time when my love life was complicated. I have decided to share the entry whether the guy involved in the drama reads it or not. It is not for him but for me and in my spirit of moving on with my love life. Unlike “The Guy on the Roof” post this one will reach the protagonist.
“At last I have a massive crush on a guy. His name is Bianju, a third year from Ruiru campus and extremely hot. He is tall, dark and a smile as hot as the sun. Initially I did not have these feelings for him. I actually did not even know him. In the same school for so long and never noticed him. Maybe it is because he is younger than me. I am not twenty-five years old anymore. Okay, twenty-seven and maybe feeling the age difference being an issue here. It is hard and I accept it, I am older and more experienced and it’s just a crush, only crush.
Okay, let me start from the beginning of where all these feelings started. Bianju and I are performing a stage play for a unit. The play is about a married couple and their daughter. Bianju played the husband and I was his wife. The daughter is pregnant for their arch enemy and (spoiler alert) has an abortion. The day I handed in the project to Florence. We had our first rehearsal and I did not feel anything just the part where he flirted with Kelly and Zozo. This group was just flirting, flirting and flirting. I gathered that not much work was going to get done. After that Wednesday, I did not attend any other rehearsals that week.
Anyway, the following Monday, I meet Collins. He played Kilimo, the arch enemy in the play. We rehearsed the whole day and talked a lot. Then we planned the rehearsal time for the next day. Then guys came and had the first run through with Lynn directing. It was fun and then I realized that we do make a good team. The same thing happened on Wednesday and since we did not confirm rehearsal time, Thursday and Friday the time returned to 5-7 pm and I was unable to attend. My time for school work is 8am to 5pm. Anything after that and my mind and heart focuses on getting home. But these guys have no life after 5pm.
With this I can explain Zuhura took the leadership ranks and was terrible at it. Though it is because of her inexperience. Having this in mind the time slots of 5-7 were not working for me and I almost changed to a completely new because I had to re-edit my project. After that crazy week, I came back to the rehearsals. It was better since the director was now Nick from Kelly. A guy I meet then for the first time. Again, how many people do I not know at this campus. I blame it on my own personal drama which I will not mention here.
Mike was an actual director, directing the people and not the chairs. That day when we rehearsed with Mike, he said that Bianju and I had no chemistry. This was true. But it made me feel that it was true because I did not want to act like actual husband and wife for that is the one department of my life that I have failed at miserably.
I then resolved to make the chemistry. So, I tried and it was hard. Flirting and sex jokes are not my best points in a conversation. I intentionally blocked that out. Moving on, that was the day I also saw how much sex appeal he had like really so much sex appeal. Because of this most girls, scratch that, all girls wanted him, sexually. The following days it got harder to have chemistry since the girls he had been flirting sensed that I also liked him and made most of our interactions minimal. As a result, I fell back to the friendship that came so easy with Collins. All those feelings I pushed, pushed, pushed deep down.
This chemistry thing wasn’t working, it was working with Kilimo (the arch enemy) but not Moses (my husband) and that point made me feel very bad. However, I think I saw that the closer I got with Collins, Bianju started getting jealous like a bit. It was probably all in my head anyway, I think.
This week, I did get to the rehearsals and it was nice, nothing to write about. Though I am writing about it. Hehehe! The humor. Okay, Monday was fun and Tuesday wasn’t because, I did not attend. On Wednesday, things were better. I know Wednesdays have been my favorite days this whole semester that started on March and is still not ending.
This one Wednesday in particular, I called him and he was in Ruiru Ndani. Then after another twenty minutes, I called again and he said he was in a chemist buying drugs. I was like, “Why? What’s wrong?” And he said that he was sick. Okay, the play started on stage and he came later. Then I saw him, sad, low and vulnerable. I did not hug him or anything but he took my hand and lead me up the stairs to the back room on the side of the stage. My mind went wild. Finally. The gently hand holding made me so hot and I thought we were going to the room to hug and talk. Then… the room was occupied with everyone else and the feelings changed.
We rehearsed our part and it was really good. I enjoyed it a lot. It was great. Bianju makes me laugh a
lot a lot. I want a man like that, a man that makes me laugh all the time. Then his so nice and self-motivated. I want a man whom I can depend on. I have struggled to make it in this life and I do not want to anymore.
The time flew by so quickly and we had to leave the stage for other guys to rehearse. We moved and I took control of the details of the dance rehearsal. It was passed 8 pm and teacher Susan was calling and I was super stressed. It was running late and need to get home. Okay, not relevant to this specific writing so back to topic.
At LH, my dear husband was still quiet and keeping to himself. It was sad really and I tried not to look at him though my heart was yearning to just see him. The audience was literary made up of lecturers and other students waiting to perform other plays. Ours was the most funny and well-rehearsed of all. I had so much adrenaline throughout the play. I was his wife for thirty minutes. My emotions were everywhere.
Afterwards, I fled out of there like a speeding train. It wasn’t real, these emotions are just because of the play. The fact is I want to be married and to be happy but I was rejected. I know I shouldn’t cry but I can’t help it. Bianju and Moses brought back all these emotions in me. I was just another reminder that I was not happy.
Oh God, I knew that this play will break my heart more but I didn’t know how. Yes, I have a crush on this guy but I don’t even know him. I don’t know his name or where he comes from or what he does or who he really is. He is a stranger who has helped me heal a little bit by distracting me from someone else. Even typing his name is hard but this is what I must do. Find an outlet and just let him go.
I don’t know how Bianju feels but I tend to take the easy way out. So, I think I am imagining the feeling and he probably has a girlfriend though it doesn’t matter anyway. Maybe I should try something to find out if he has feelings for me but again, I don’t think he has. It may also be about the play for him as well. I mean he is busy with so many things which I keeps him busy. Or am I the only one who hides emotions by focusing on my work.
Eventually, I think I just need to thank him in my writing because, these feelings have pushed me to writing again. Oh! And watching Jane the Virgin. That helped too.”
Because of fear of getting hurt that is how I dealt and still deal with situations where I may become emotionally vulnerable. I experience the relationship start to finish in my head. I demystify all possible scenarios that the relationship may lead to. Embrace the happiness of being with a man I may like and put out fires that will arise all in my mind. I then talk myself out of that relationship using compelling reasons that may be true or untrue.
Examples include; he has a girlfriend, his too busy for me, his too far, his younger than me, his way older than me, and the best one that works every time; his married. I am a religious person and do not want to deal with that karma. At the end, the guy may have sensed that I liked him but then there is this shift of attitude where I don’t like them anymore. The relationship starts and ends in my mind and we never experience anything.
It was a very good defense mechanism that worked for more than five years. Not only in Bianju's case but also in other cases as well. However, I no longer need it. Publishing this diary entry is my way of owning it and releasing it out into the world. I am open minded and attached to nothing. I’m ready for different things that are coming my way which may include getting hurt. Either way, it is a process I have to embrace and not fear.
Nuggets of wisdom
There is a science to my above feelings. Psychology has proven that actors that act together tend to fall in love. In "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie fell in love. Soon after they married and lived happily ever after with their adopted children.
Emotional acting is a very effective technique in acting. The downside emotions are shared and deepen. In a span of three to 12 months actors have to rely on each other emotionally. To read more on this topic here are two links that expound on the topic.
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